How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
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