When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
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