I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Randomize
