Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
