I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize