Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
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