I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
