Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
