you are hot. that is all.
who is this?
the delivery driver from silvermine.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
25 People Didn’t Realize They Were Talking To Someone Famous
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
21 People Tragically Stumbled Upon A Dead Body
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.