just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
25 People Confess The Biggest Betrayal They Have Ever Faced
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
25 Odd Things These Pathetic People Do For Enjoyment
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early