What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
so the guy who showed me the apt today is now texting me and asking me out for drinks...he's at least 20 yrs oldr than me and highlights his hair, but part of me is wondering how low i can talk him down in rent during sex? wrong?
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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