Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Randomize
