I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
