you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
Randomize
