this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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