This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
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driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
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