I haven't been this sober since birth.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
Randomize
