Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
Randomize
