Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
Randomize
