I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
Randomize
