So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
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So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
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No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
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