not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Randomize
