dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
Ketchup is God's man juice
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
Randomize
