I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Randomize
