On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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