seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Randomize
