Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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