I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
From the same High Brittany who brought you such thoughts as, "Fuck, am I wearing shoes?" Comes High Brittany on a date! Stay tuned. This will be interesting.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize
