i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
