Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
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