I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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