I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
Randomize
