Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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