the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
