You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
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