I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
