do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
