i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
Randomize
