Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
First time not coming to this class high in a month and a half, never again will i put myself thru this torture
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