Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
