Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
