overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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