Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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