Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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