Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
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