Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Randomize
