i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
