the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
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