if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
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