saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
