We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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