Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
she was licking his armpits.
asian porn is just fucking weird. End of story.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
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