Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Randomize
