Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
Randomize
