We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
