yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
Randomize
