I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
