I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize
