the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
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